Happy Birthday

It's my birthday today, so I'm up early having enjoyed a luxurious champagne breakfast in bed prepared by Daniel Craig wearing nothing but a smoking jacket and a red rose between his teeth.

After Daniel has heped me open my thousands of presents, including a diamond ring to rival that of Cheryl Cole, the keys to a brand new convertible Mercedes, plus designer shoes and bags galore, he will bathe me in ass's milk and give me an all over body massage with a unique blend of essential oils freshly prepared by DC himself this morning.

We will then lie back on our designer satin sheets, gaze into each other's eyes and spend the rest of the day.......mmmmmmmmm......ooooooooooo.....ahhhhhhhhhhh........ggggggggrrrrrrrrrr.......
(Cue noises from the street - 'allo, 'allo', bonjour madame, ca va? and then some nonsense about le meteo) uuuuhhhhhhhhhhh, what? Eh? And I'm awake.

I've just checked and Daniel isn't lying next to me exhausted from all the rampant love-making. Roy is though. Thank heavens for that! So I guess he'll be up soon and jumping into birthday mode. Shall I hunt for the presents or just wait for them to be bought to me on a silver platter? Best not spoil all the surprises he has planned. Mmmmm, still not much movement. Was that a snore I just heard?

Anyway, plans for the BIG day that marks the beginning of my descent into the wilderness of my 30s, are as follows:

1). Have a cup of tea (balls, we have run out of English teabags. Right, have a cup of pissy French tea)

2). Deal with the usual early morning tantrums from Raffers..'MILK' 'TOAST' all screamed in my face. Dole out a good dose of the naughty step.

3). Go food shopping (Roy has offered to come with me as it's my birthday. He's all heart, I know)

4). Drown my sorrows in a sea of Gin

Should be a good day!